I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. An aching, anxious knot. There are days when this deployment seems impossible. I feel like I can't breathe, I can't make it and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it any further. I feel insecure about our marriage because realistically, how can you work on it from so far away? How can you communicate and touch and share? I wake up every morning wondering if my husband is still alive. I'm one of the wives that has made the mistake a time or two and read the news on his location. I KNOW that it's not rational, but I HAVE to understand what's going on so that I can make peace with it. Or at least ready myself for anything bad that may come.
I just think back about how far we've come in our lives-both of us. How much we've grown. I watch Lennon grow up in front of me and sometimes, I get so sad, I don't even want to be around her. That doesn't happen often (at all), but to be honest, it SUCKS being the only parent. It SUCKS a lot. I feel like my entire life revolves around the computer. Is he on? Can he skype? Is he okay? Should I email him? All I want right now is to be next to him sharing our days and holding hands. I'm always wondering where he is, if he's okay, and if he knows how much I miss him here. How much I love him. How much Lennon misses him.
I'm also getting frustrated by the people that "understand" what i'm going through because their brother, sister, cousin, son or daughter was deployed. No, you don't. We all carry weight in different ways. We're not all the same and we don't all handle things the same. I'm actually doing a pretty great job for the most part. I have few days like these, but God, this day just sucks. I pray that I don't even notice Valentine's Day... or that I had the option to sleep through it. But, I don't. So, don't tell me you understand. It's really annoying and really insensitive.
Time, please hurry. :/
