Saturday, February 9, 2013

anxiety, etc

I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. An aching, anxious knot. There are days when this deployment seems impossible. I feel like I can't breathe, I can't make it and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it any further. I feel insecure about our marriage because realistically, how can you work on it from so far away? How can you communicate and touch and share? I wake up every morning wondering if my husband is still alive. I'm one of the wives that has made the mistake a time or two and read the news on his location. I KNOW that it's not rational, but I HAVE to understand what's going on so that I can make peace with it. Or at least ready myself for anything bad that may come.

I just think back about how far we've come in our lives-both of us. How much we've grown. I watch Lennon grow up in front of me and sometimes, I get so sad, I don't even want to be around her. That doesn't happen often  (at all), but to be honest, it SUCKS being the only parent. It SUCKS a lot. I feel like my entire life revolves around the computer. Is he on? Can he skype? Is he okay? Should I email him? All I want right now is to be next to him sharing our days and holding hands. I'm always wondering where he is, if he's okay, and if he knows how much I miss him here. How much I love him. How much Lennon misses him.

I'm also getting frustrated by the people that "understand" what i'm going through because their brother, sister, cousin, son or daughter was deployed. No, you don't. We all carry weight in different ways. We're not all the same and we don't all handle things the same. I'm actually doing a pretty great job for the most part. I have few days like these, but God, this day just sucks. I pray that I don't even notice Valentine's Day... or that I had the option to sleep through it. But, I don't. So, don't tell me you understand. It's really annoying and really insensitive.

Time, please hurry. :/

Thursday, January 31, 2013

After Will left, I had a lot of up and down days to the point I was wondering if I should see a counselor. I was thinking that maybe I wasn't dealing with this so well. I gave myself a few days, got my hair cut, spent some time with Lennon and did some research. I had a thought that if maybe I increased my B vitamin intake, my mood would improve. I was right! I'm also running a lot more. I'm eating the same (Paleo with some cheats). I'm chocking it up the the adjustment period I needed before I fell into a rhythm here. Now that i'm in my rhythm, I feel so much better. I'm preparing Will's Valentine's Day box and i'm SOOOO excited to send it and for him to get it. There are so many things in there that just scream his name! Ahhh! I'm also rather excited to receive my surprise! My husband is very thoughtful and he is basically the one person who KNOWS knows me.

Onto something super cute! My little lady loves shoes! She loves my heeled oxfords because they make a clunking noise on the floor. She likes to stick her hands inside them and crawl with them on her hands. We have yet to get a picture of it until now. :) Days like that are when you can't help but smile when you're around her. She makes life so worthwhile. She's starting to look like her daddy a little bit more; she's also definitely acting like daddy most of the time! She's so laid back and relaxed and always happy. When she doesn't get her way is when I pop out in her. Lord help us with that one when she gets older.


Friday, January 25, 2013

Skincare 101

If anyone reading this went to high school with me, you know that I had really bad skin in high school. In the last few years, I've discovered a few great things that have made my skin amazing! I wanted to share these things because well, I knew nothing about skincare in high school. I never used toner until I became an adult and did research. Toner changed my life! I was using the wrong moisturizer. Makeup and skincare is all trial and error. I hate that part of skincare. It seems like as soon as you put something new on your face, BAM, a pimple. A lot of doctors would debate with me on whether acne is caused by hormones, diet, exercise... or if it's just overproduction of oil, leading to clogged pores and pimples. I'm pretty sure it's more than likely a combination of both. I've used high-end products that you can find in Sephora, and i've used drugstore products. To be honest, i've had better luck with drugstore products than with higher-end ones. However, I eat a paleolithic diet along with lots of water. I exercise at least 4-5x/week and I am not on hormone contraceptives. Also, if you're considering breastfeeding, it did amazing work for my skin!!

AM routine
Clean and clear deep action cleanser for sensitive skin
Dickinson's witch hazel pore perfecting toner (I swear by this stuff!!)
Neutragena naturals moisturizer
L'Oreal Dermo Expertise Eye Defense Cream

PM routine
Neutragena naturals fresh cleansing+makeup remover
Dickinson's witch hazel pore perfecting toner
StriVectin AR night cream
L'Oreal Dermo Expertise Eye Defense Cream

I got a sample of StriVectin AR night cream in the mail and I am smitten. The damned thing costs $109 for a full-sized container. I'm ebaying it up for cheaper options. I'll also troll Hautelook, Gilt, Myhabit and various other designer discount websites. For example, today, Myhabit has Strivectin, but not the night cream I want. Since it's new, it probably won't be on any discount sites for a while. Thankfully, the sample is big enough to last me a while. I've noticed a decrease in acne scars on my chin since using it.


Wednesday, January 23, 2013


January Birchbox
Lennon with her ice and Izzie sniffing it out
So, I got my January Birchbox in yesterday and this is my favorite box so far. I guess i'm only saying that because it's extremely hard for me to find a decent lotion that doesn't feel oily, doesn't wear off after a few hours, and provides the essential quench my skin needs (especially during the winter months). So, I got a sample of green apple body cream from 100% pure and LOVEDDDDD it. I bought 2 full sized lotions from their website. I was using the pink grapefruit body frosting from Julep, but Julep is half the size and the same price as 100% pure, so i'm pretty stoked about my new find. I also tried No. 4 clarifying shampoo and i'm in love, but not for the price point. Got another full-sized ModelCo product. The lip gloss smells and tastes like strawberries! It's a little sticky, but doable. I think Birchbox should stop sending me fragrances in my box, though. Viva la Juicy is downright stinky on me. Blegh. I think i'll stick to my Miss Dior Cherie... which is now just Miss Dior, but whatever.

My tiny human was being super cute today. She loves ice and in one of the pictures, she's got a little ice cube. The other one, she's cheesing hard. Pictures are becoming harder and harder to take with her because she moves like lightning.

Haven't skyped with Will in a few days (doing good!). I got to take time to write him a nice love letter (email) today.

Molly is feeling so much better. It's so nice to have my cat back!

All in all, today was a rocking day.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Monday Monday Monday

Today started off well enough. Molly, my cat, developed a UTI last week, and I was finally able to pick up antibiotics, food, and pain medication for her. She's such an amazing cat. Not the destructive, pees everywhere cat; she is so chill. She's a little afraid of humans, but I can't blame her. A very unkind person deposited her on an extremely hot day in a shopping center and Will and I happened upon her when I was around 7 months pregnant. She's been my little buddy ever since. I'm glad she's feeling better.

I got the privelege of babysitting my nephew today. That little man is so freaking awesome. He came over in his batman pajamas and we watched youtube videos of little kids dressed up as batman and spiderman. Lennon had a blast with him. I introduced Greyson to the Kardashians. He was shamelessly in love. He wanted me to paint his nails blue and red for spiderman (his favorite). He especially loved all of my glitter polish and Tomorrow Never Dies"-the  new polish from OPI's Skyfall Collection. Since he's a boy and his mommy would be upset I painted his nails, we removed it before she got home. :) That's why aunties are the best. Hehehe.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I always needed a reason to blog. Or maybe I didn't, but now I guess I've realized a purpose. My husband recently deployed to Afghanistan a few days after Christmas. This is our first deployment. We have a baby girl named Lennon Caroline, who, just so happens to be named after John Lennon. She's almost 17 months old and my pride and joy. I'm hoping this space will help me to not feel so alone. To possibly connect with other military families going through the same thing I am. I'm hoping this will be my outlet. I also really want to practice my grammar and spelling before I head back to school to finish my history degree. Anyway, that's that.

I've realized since Will has been gone that there are okay days and bad days. Today happens to be a bad day. I'm not sure if it's because I've forgotten to take prozac (major depression) or klonapin (generalized anxiety disorder) the last 2 days or if it's just because it's a bad day. Maybe i'm in denial, but I think it's just a bad day. Will has been getting upset with me lately because I want to skype all of the time. I've been getting upset with myself for wanting to skype all of the time too. I'm giving myself some leeway, but Will made a good point. He mentioned that it's making the deployment go by extremely slow; he's right. It's crawling by for me. So, we both agreed to have a skype date on his one day off a week. In between, if he wants/needs to skype with Lennon, he can email me. Likewise for myself. He's starting classes soon, so I don't want to bombard him with skype. I need to take care of the home front and let him do his thing over there. It's just so depressing without him here. I never realized how hard this would be.